Category Archives: PCOS Battle

Waiting to Miscarry

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Waiting to Miscarry

I still find it hard to squeeze words out of my heart to express the grief and sadness that has kept us silent for almost a month. I guess you can’t take something out of an empty vessel no matter how hard you try. My heart is empty and so are my tears.

 

We thought we’ve lucked out on baby dusts after we had Sophia. It took us 6 years to get pregnant after all. Imagine our surprise and excitement when we saw two lines on a home pregnancy test. Although it was a faint positive (the 2nd line was not very clear), it was a positive nonetheless.

We were ecstatic. We can’t wait to have another baby and I’m certain that Sophia would be a wonderful big sister.

However, there was a dark cloud of doubt hanging over my head. Something didn’t feel right about this pregnancy. I took a total of 8 pregnancy tests in a span of 5 days and the results were the same. It remained to be a faint positive. It made me restless. It should be a big fat positive (bfp) by now. I should be seeing 2 clear lines after 3 days.

My doctor had me take a quantitative blood serum test to confirm my pregnancy and it did come back as positive. The blood test verified that I was pregnant but it did little to quell my fears.  My HCG level was within range but I felt that it was extremely low at 374 mm/IU for 5.5 weeks pregnant me. I tried reaching out to people to share my worries; probably get some reassurance perhaps. But I was either ignored or brushed off. I stopped talking to people after that. I had my husband and Sophia and they were enough to keep me grounded and sane.

This pregnancy was completely different from my first. I know that each pregnancy differs but my gut was telling me that something was amiss. Probably because I didn’t feel pregnant at all. I didn’t have any symptoms other than sore nipples and occasional spells of dizziness and fatigue. I had constant back pain and light to moderate cramps.

I was terrified to lose this baby and I spent my nights browsing the internet for answers until I cried myself to sleep. I had multiple scenarios running in my head and it was difficult to bottle up all my emotions as hope, worry, anxiety, and fear struggled within my heart.

Although it was still too early for an ultrasound, I convinced my husband that we needed one. We were able to see a small gestational sac (4.6 mm) but the yolk sac and the embryo hasn’t developed yet. The sonologist assured us that based on the size of the sac, it was still too early in the pregnancy to detect the embryo. We were advised to get another scan after 2 weeks. And thus began my days in limbo. Are we waiting for a baby or are we just waiting to miscarry?

Is this a blighted ovum? Did we make a mistake with our dates? Or will this be a missed miscarriage?

Will there be an embryo in 2 weeks? Why is the baby’s development delayed? Will the baby have birth defects?

Will I miscarry naturally? Would I need a D&C? God please don’t make me lose this baby.

Probably you’re thinking that I was too pessimistic and my frame of mind affected the end result. I tried to be positive throughout this ordeal. I did my best to cling to hope. I prayed that a miracle would happen and I would carry this baby to term. We even started to choose a name for our little beanie. But I know my body and it broke my heart that it was telling me otherwise.

Everyday, each time I would feel cramps or back pain, I would think to myself; “Is it happening now? Am I miscarrying right now?” I would rush to the bathroom and breathe a sigh of relief each time I don’t see blood. Hope was my worst enemy at that time.

We kept our secret to ourselves and we planned to let everybody know once we get the result of our second scan. We had it scheduled on December 2nd. Just a couple of days to go.

But life has other plans for us. November 29, Sunday morning. I woke up and saw blood when I wiped.

I thought, “Oh hey, it’s probably just a wee bit spotting. It’s not bright red and a bit of spotting during pregnancy is normal, right?”

We pretended that it was nothing but towards noon, I started to bleed with severity. The waves of pain became a constant crescendo and it was heartbreaking to know that my body is trying to let go of my precious beanie.

The cramps and backache grew in intensity until I couldn’t even manage to lie still in bed. The pain level was sharper than my labor induction with Sophia. Beyond the physical distress, the agony of loss made everything more painful.

Around 5:30 pm on a long weekend Sunday, I lost my little beanie. I felt him leave my body. And I felt my heart go empty.

We never got to find out if it was a missed miscarriage or if it was a blighted ovum. We never got the chance for a follow up scan. But with this miscarriage was my closure. I don’t have to lie in bed at night and be tortured about “Are we waiting for a baby? Or are we waiting to miscarry?”

Because now we know.

Despite all this heartache, I am still thankful. I am grateful for my husband who stood by my side and listened and shared my fears.  I feel lucky to have Sophia, my baby, she kept my sanity well anchored and her laughter and smile kept me from falling into depression. I feel deep appreciation for Mayleen, who was there when I sorely needed a friend. My Dad who always checked in on me to ask about my pregnancy.

I am grateful because God still made it easy for me. I was terrified of a D&C and he made me miscarry naturally instead. I thought the pain would overwhelm me but I was able to ride it through without any pain medication. I didn’t hemorrhage and I didn’t need to be rushed to the ER. I “labored” for 8 hours and the pain subsided as soon as I passed the sac.

I am grateful because I know some women went through a more traumatic experience.

My body may have mended quickly but our hearts are still grieving. We have named our little beanie, Edward. We hope that one day we will soon see a rainbow at the end of this storm.

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The Origin of the Fluff

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I got married at the age of 28. According to my life plan, I will continue to flourish in my career, get a promotion before 30 and have my first baby at the age of 30 or 31.  But life has other plans because none of that happened.  I moved to another company, left that company after 3 years; and for the next 4 years, sticky baby dust continued to elude us.
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By 2012, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or PCOS. It affected my hormone levels and made getting pregnant extremely difficult.  I gained tremendous weight. I was moody and cranky at all times. I had a horrible acne.  And I fell into insecurity and depression.

I met with a septuagenarian OB and suffered a very humiliating consultation.  She was asking me about myself and when I told her that I wanted to get pregnant, she admonished me in a VERY loud voice (she was hard of hearing), “Eh ang taba taba mo. Paano ka mabubuntis nyan?” She had a long queue of patients waiting outside with a clear view of the doctor and I. “Magdiet ka muna. Eto, tanungin mo yung secretary ko may binebenta yung kaibigan nya na pampapayat.”  Needless to say, I was embarrassed and felt more insecure with myself.  I never went back to her clinic after that episode but it did push me to lose weight and prove to that prickly doctor that I don’t need the “pampapayat” offered by her secretary’s friend.

I went on a strict diet by completely removing rice and soda. I had 2-hour yoga sessions 5 or 6 times a week. I was also taking metformin to help me lose weight as prescribed by my new OB.  However, more than 6 months has passed and I was still overweight. PCOS was such a b*tch.

Then I took drastic measures and decided to try slimming pills.  After much research and experimentation, I was able to find one that helped me shed the pounds. Finally, I started to lose weight and my period went back on track. As the stress and aches of a heavy body started to melt away, we also loosened our tight determination (and effort!) to make a baby. The hell with it! My hubby and I decided to just enjoy life for 2.  We got ourselves a toy dog and made her our baby.

November 2013. I was skinny and fab! I had a great job and I can go shopping for clothes and shoes anytime I want. It was easy to find clothes because everything fit.  They were cheaper too since I can wear free size clothing.  I forgot about getting pregnant.  I forgot about babies.  Then I got the biggest surprise of my life.  My very first positive test result.

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Now fast forward to 2015.  My baby is turning 14 months in two days and I am back to where I started in 2012. PCOS made a come back and I’m gaining weight again. I am cranky to my hubby and have horrible acne.  I am insecure with my body but I am not depressed. (You can’t get depressed when you have a cheerful troublemaking toddler).

 

It’s more challenging to go on a diet now because we are exclusively breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding makes you terribly hungry. PCOS makes you crave for sweets.  Drastic measures are not an option because baby kulit might lose weight too or get sick. I’m stuck in a rut and I want to get out.  Sharing my struggles and thoughts will help push me to overcome PCOS because I know there are people reading my blog (I hope there are!) and there are fluffinays just like me who are also working through the challenges of extra fluff and bilbil.

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That’s why I’m fluffy, my friends. But I’m trying to love my PCOS body.  Please continue to encourage me to work harder by leaving a comment below! Thank you!